Gaslighting: The Artistry of a Narcissist

Reviewed July 2026. Updated October 13, 2026.

Have you ever been in a situation where you just can’t seem to remember exactly how the events played out? Maybe you went out to eat with your partner and you remember having the fish, but your partner insists you had the chicken? And your partner does everything they can to convince you that you are not remembering things, what YOU ate, correctly? A difference in memory can be harmless. The concern here is someone using that disagreement to make you doubt your own experience.

Gaslighting is manipulation that leads someone to question their memory or their understanding of what happened. The name comes from Patrick Hamilton’s 1938 play Gaslight, in which a husband deceives his wife and makes her doubt her own perceptions.

How does a narcissist utilize this skill to their target’s detriment? Through gaslighting, a narcissist is making sure that when you look in the mirror, you see them: their thoughts, their perceptions, their beliefs. The trick is to make their targets think they are not capable of functioning without the narcissist, so the target may come to rely on the narcissist to give the “correct” version of reality. If we are “taught” that we can’t trust ourselves, we may become more reliant on the person insisting that their version of events is the only one we can trust.

Conflicting accounts of an event are not necessarily gaslighting. In my previous job working as a therapist in an inpatient drug and alcohol facility, I would often have a patient that would tell me one thing and then go to another therapist to tell them something completely different or only a small version of the truth. In these instances, I would usually have to tell staff members to direct this patient back to me. Conflicting accounts call for clarification; they do not, on their own, establish gaslighting or a personality disorder.

But now back to the target. What can we do to help ourselves when gaslighting is present? Most importantly, make sure that you seek out your own support system: a therapist, a trusted friend or family member, etc. Second, hold on to what you know to be the truth. Try and stay grounded in your authentic self, and understand what it is that the narcissist is trying to do to you. Lastly, don’t be afraid to stop and pause before reacting. One of the best pieces of advice I heard early on in my career is that just because you were invited to the crisis does not mean that you have to go. Pausing can give you time to seek support and consider what feels safest. It cannot guarantee that the other person will stop. The person choosing to manipulate or harm you is responsible for that behavior, whatever your response. If confronting them could put you at risk, you do not have to confront them; a domestic violence advocate can help you plan for your safety.

I thought it might be interesting to research TV or movie characters who have been crafted to use a gaslighting technique. One that was surprising to me, though I can totally see it now, was Ross Geller from Friends. Ross lies to Rachel about still being married after their ceremony in Vegas and convinces her that they are no longer married when in fact they are; he puts ideas in her head that just because he is the father of their baby she should be with him; and of course who could forget about the whole “We were on a break!” thing? Gaslighting at its finest.

Until next time my friends (no pun intended), be like a tree and remain grounded.

If gaslighting has shaped how far you trust your own perceptions, individual relationship therapy and trauma-informed therapy can help you rebuild that trust, and attachment work can address why these dynamics came to feel familiar in the first place.